#BakitGanon3

Hi.

Why is it so hard to actually like the things you want?

I am a Christian and you all know that Christians are very much oppose to the secular world.

But I’m also an enthusiast to a lot of things. I love fashion that makes a difference. Something bold to create authenticity and stands for what is the truth. I also support quirky and carefree people, girls who are not afraid to promote body positivity and those who are not afraid to show the vulnerable side of each individual.

Pero, most of the time people from church judge me from what I stand with.

It’s because they don’t know the ‘world’ I’m living with.

Mahirap to be yourself especially if you’re with people from church. They tend to criticize the way you talk, behave and dress. \

Pero I’m not blaming them. For once, I finally found a place to heal all my scars but after I’m gone everything just go back back to the way it used to be. I want to changed – spiritually pero every time I’m with this certain circle of friends, I fall back.

Totoo pala yung, you’ll be more happier if you’re with the world. But at the end of the day, pagsisisihan mo lang kasi it was a very stupid thing that you did.

To sum it up,

Bakit ganon? You’re doing your best to be part of a community but at the same time you just can’t easily let your real self to slip kasi baka majudge ka.

It’s hard to balance spiritual life from your secular life. It’s too ironic.

 

-snr

Advertisements

To you,

I saw you looking for me.

With that pony tail on your head and almost torn apart shirt.

You had this weird smile and a voice I couldn’t comprehend.

And yet, you are the most beautiful person I saw that night.

I tried to compose myself as I was slowly walking towards you.

I kept it casual by offering you my drink, and you didn’t hesitate.

You were sipping my drink for god’s sake.

 

As the cold air brushed on our hairs,

I courageously leaned on your shoulders.

“It feels nice.” I said to myself unbothered by the cold breeze.

 

As cliche as may it sounds, everything was perfect — too good to be true in fact.

I was very caught in the moment,

With your head leaning against mine.

 

Then it hit me,

I finally found the right guy online.

 

P.S.

So this is an alternative version of the ending of what really happened to me in real life. I was still hoping that maybe one day we’ll cross paths again and be reunited. I guess this is one of those painful things that happened to me in terms of romantic stuff after my break up with my ex. This guy kinda helped me to move on with my ex but at the same time he did kinda left me another scar so that’s why I’m very much hesitant to mingle with the opposite sex.

 

-snr

#bakitganon2

Bakit ganon, mas masakit pa yung i-take for granted yung feelings mo kesa paglaruan yung katawan mo?

Sino relate dito? Totoo naman kase, na mas elevated yung pain kapag feelings mo yung pinaglaruan. Kase for me, yan yung pinaka-vulnerable part ng sarili mo. Yeah, someone who left you after giving your body to someone hurts too pero iba yung pagdating sa feelings eh. Or is it because iba lang yung level ng intesity nila.

But I know for a fact na once you got hurt emotionally, everything else in your body is affected. Mawawalan ka ng gana gumalaw, to be productive and worst — to communicate with people. I hate this feeling, as much as possible gagawin ko na lang ang lahat just to avoid getting hurt emotionally.

 

-snr

#bakitganon1

Bakit ganon, ang dali lang sa tao na mag-bahagi ng parte nila sa hindi nila kilala? How can they share something so pure and fragile to strangers? Tapos makikipagpalagayan ka ng loob, tapos iiwan mo yung tao along all your secrets and stories. JUST LIKE THAT. Parang binigyan ka lang nila ng kapiraso ng paborito mong cookie tapos kinain nila yung natira. Nag-crave ka tuloy dun sa paborito mong cookie.

Bakit ang dali? Hindi ba nila alam na once you share a piece of your life to us mag-eexpect na kame na kami na yung crying shoulder nyo, kami na yung taong pinagkakatiwalaan nyo. It’s like giving something na mahirap ilet go pero binigay mo parin kase you trust us.

Am I making sense? Nakakainis lang kase.

 

-snr

September 11, 2015

Isa ako sa mga babaeng mahilig maghabol. Hahabulin yung mga lalakeng wala namang ginawa kungdi saktan lang ako. Mayroon kasing parte sa puso ko na baka marealize nila na worthy ako.

Bakit ba kasi paasa ang mga lalake? Lalandiin ka, papaasahin, bibigyan ka ng motibo pero kapag umamin ka na may gusto ka sa kanila, saka sila paunti-unting lalayo saiyo or worst – mawala na lang na parang bula.

Sa tatlong lalaki na hinabol ko, sya lang yung hindi ko sinuko. Paano ba naman kasi, mawawala sya tapos babalik ulit. Ang gulo nya rin eh, hindi ko sya maintindihan. Minsan iniisip ko na lang na baka kaya hindi nya ako maiwan-iwan kasi hindi nya ako kayang matiis, baka nagkikimkim lang sya ng nararamdaman para saakin.

Iniisip ko parin hanggang ngayon kung bakit nya ako iniwan. Masaya naman kami sa huli naming pagkikita. Siguro nga this is what you called a bitter sweet ending. Akala mo nagsisimula pa lang kayo pero huli na pala iyon, akala mo na ang saya-saya nyo na pero ikaw lang pala iyon, akala mo may ‘something’ na pero imahinsyaon mo lang pala lahat ng ito. Tapos na, wala na. Pero bakit ganoon? Ginawa ko naman lahat ng ginusto nya. Kung ano ang hiningi nya binigay ko, kung ano ang ayaw nya; hindi ko ginawa. Tapos nagawa nya parin akong iwan, iniwan ako ng walang pasabe; ng walang dahilan. He took advantage of me.

Pinanghawakan ko lahat ng pangakong binitawan nya, pinaghawakan ko lahat ng plano na gagawin naming dalawa. Pero nabigo na naman ako, nasaktan na naman ako. Hanggang dito na nga lang ba talaga ako? Ang masaktan; ang maiwan; ang umasa; at ang lumuha.

Pilitin ko mang alisin at itapon ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya hindi ko magawa. Nagbabakasakali kasi akong baka bumalik na naman sya. Kumbaga, may nakareserve parin na lugar sa puso ko kapag dumating syang muli.

Isang buwan na ang nakalipas pero tandang-tanda ko pa rin ang lahat. Tandang-tanda ko pa ang mga yakap mong pakiramdam kong puno ng pagmamahal. Hanggang ngayon, ikaw parin ang laman ng ang aking puso at isipan. Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang talaga ako. mamahalin ka sa malayo, kung saan hindi ko tanaw ang likod mo.

-snr

PANANDALIAN

“You will love him to ruins.” -Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer

Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ako’y muling iibig. Umaasang makamit muli ang sayang kanyang pinagkait. Pero parang may pumipigil, bakit parang hindi parin handa ang pusong may sugat pa?

Hahanapin ko sana sa iyo ang nawawalang piraso ng aking puso na gusto na sanang maghilom at makumpleto. Ngunit sadyang masama ang tadhana, ipinakilala ka na alam kong pareho tayong masisira.

Binigyan ka ng maraming pagkakataon sa loob ng pag-iisip ko. At alam mo, patagal ng patagal unit-unting naglalaho ang kuryenteng unang naramdaman sa piling mo.

Sa kabila ng pag-uunawa ko sayo, nakalimutan ko na namang mahalin yung sarili ko. Hindi na inisip ang kaligayahan maging masaya ka lang. Pinabayan ang iyong pambabalewala wag lang mag-away.

Uy, ibigay mo na muna sakin to hah? Hayaan mo munang mag-isip ang magulong utak ko. Ayoko na rin muna kasing humawak ng mga pangako at salita ng kahit sino.

Kaya patawarin mo ako kung bibitaw muna ang mga kamay na una at huling beses mong nahawakan at itatakwil ko muna ang nakakakilig na palitan ng mensahe sa isa’t-isa.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan, hindi ko alam kung babalik pa. Pero nagpapasalamat din dahil sa binahaging panandaliang saya. Malay mo saglit lang, hanggang sa makita mo kung ano ba ang aking tunay na halaga