100 Salita Para kay Conan

Walang Fidel sa ating dalawa

Dahil parehas tayong Stella

Walang pag-aalinlangang minahal ka

Nung mas lalo kang nakilala

Marso 17 umamin ka para sakin

Isang linggo ang lumipas,

Ako’y mahal mo na rin

Piniling ituloy ang pag-ibig

Matapos ang maraming pag-uusap

Di alintana ang mga problemang darating

Lahat kakayanin basta ikaw ay kapiling

Di man sa lahat ng oras tayo’y masaya

Sa yakap mo, kuntento na

Sa halik mo, kumpleto na

Sa tuwing mag-kaaway

Puta ka, sorry na

Pero pag-iibig ko sayo ay lalong lumalala

Sa hirap at ginhawa

Ikaw lang ang pipiliin

Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

Conan mahal kita

-M xo

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Don’t be proud

I know you are sad and mad

So am I

Let’s share the same bitterness

And make ourselves a mess

I’ve been waiting for you

The words you utter are true

Society is disgusting, feeding us with all the lies

When all we hear is cries.

Crying for help; shedding of tears.

Those pretending eyes and scattered fears.

No ones gonna hear you darling,

It’s no use screaming.

I guess everyone is better off without me.

At least no one’s going to see the scars I’ve been hiding

 

-SR

 

Sa Sandaling Nakasama Kita

Sa sandaling nakasama kita, sana niyaya na lang kita gumala. Mag-punta sa mga lugar na hindi ko pa nakikita. Manuod ng sine gaya ng iba. 

Sa maikling panahon na tayo’y magkapiling, sanay hindi na lang nag-siping.

Bagkus tayo ay gumawa ng masasayang ala-ala. Ala-alang maibabaon natin hanggang sa tayo ay tumanda.

Nagsisisi ako, dahil sa dinaming oras na nasayang. Dapat ay pinakilala muna ang tunay na sarili at ibinahagi ang aking mga hilig. 

Gustuhin ko man bumalik sa umpisa, ngunit tayo ay sira na. Hindi na gaya ng dati na masaya pa. 

Kailan kaya ako makakalimot? Sa sakit at poot na iyong dinulot. Kailan kaya ako magiging malaya, sa mga luhang pumapatak sa aking mga mata. Sapagkat ako’y pagod na, sa kakaisip sayo. At sa patuloy kong pag-isip sa mga sandaling nakasama kita.

Naguguluhan

Maybe nagtataka kayo if how could I be so heartbroken yet inlove at the same time?

May boyfriend ako, pero I’m still head over heels with this guy. Hindi ko alam yung reason kung bakit inabot ng taon yung “nararamdaman” ko para dun sa sinaktan ako. Maybe I was just longing for his companionship, his chillness and hugs. Hanggang ngayon, I’m still confused whether if I liked the guy or it was just an infatuation. But come to think of it, halos mag ilang taon ko na syang kilala. And i think this is not just an infatuation. Baka ayoko lang siguro isaksak sa sistema ko na there was a time that I fell in love with him, hindi ko lang maamin. I’m perfectly happy and contented with my boyfriend right now. Ideal sya eh, kaso there’s this thing na isang dahilan kung bakit hindi kami pwede para sa isa’t-isa. He is my everything, sya yung iniiyakan ko everytime, sya yung reason kung bakit masaya ako. Pero bakit ganon? Hindi ko parin kayang mawala yung other guy? Was it because of the memories we shared, or I just need closure, or I’m just blindly inlove with him?

Hirap guys sobra. May time naman na nakakalimutan ko si other guy, minsan I don’t even care if hindi nya ako ichat, and I wasn’t complaining that much anymore dahil busy sya (busy sa ibang babae psh) and hindi ako nagalit nung may nalaman ako.

We have this weird relationship. Sobrang weird kahit ako nandidiri na and sometimes gusto ko ng tigilan. Pero kasi eh, yun na lang yung bagay na nagiging way para magkaroon ako ng communication sa kanya. Desperada ba? Hindi naman siguro, sa totoo lang kahit friendship okay na. Pero who am I to demand?

Alam nyo guys, gusto ko na rin syang mawala sa sistema ko. He’s not healthy sabi nga nung best friend ko. Kasi everytime na lang na sya yung topic, I would go nuts. Ewan, ang frustrating lang masyado.

And I think, if I ask for friendship hindi nya rin mabibigay. Hindi naman kasi ako ideal na friend for him and I know, that he knows, that I still kinda have something going with him.

Di bale, time will come mawawala din sya. And I hope this time, it will be the end. Sana makahanap na sya ng stable na relationship with someone na mahal nya, yung tipong iiwasan na nya ako and he will block me on any platform ng social media. Right now, ayoko kasi yung ako ang gumagawa ng paraan para mawala sya. Sabi ko nga, go with the flow na lang ako. Bahala na diba? Baka in that way, magsawa sya at maisip nya na wala ng kwenta yung mga pinaguusapan namin.

Tapos magmomoveon na ko, tamang-tama baka matuloy yung Baguio trip this second week of feb.

GOODBYES SUCK SO BAD

Kamusta ka na? Alam mo bang gustong-gusto na kitang makita. Makita muli ang mga matatamis mong ngiti, ang boses mong nagpapakilig sakin. 

Nanumbalik ang lahat. Ang una nating pagkikita, ang buwan na nagpapaliwanag ng ating dinadaanan. Sa totoo lang, sabik akong muling mahagkan ka. Kahit alam kong muli mo lamang akong sasaktan. Okay lang, at least kahit sandali naramdaman ko na may ‘ako’ sa buhay mo.

Naghintay ako, hinintay kita. Binigyan ng pag-asa ang pusong sawi. Pero bakit ganon? Ano bang ginawa ko upang maramdaman to. Nagmahal lang naman ako. Minahal ko lang naman yung taong kahit anong gawin ko, hindi mapapasakin. 

Sakit noh? Nung nalaman kong wala na talaga akong pag-asa. Yung nanliit ka, nanlamig, nablanko. Mahirap pala talagang magmahal ng taong gago. 

Sabagay, ginusto ko naman to. Ako naman yung nagpabalik sayo. Wag kang mag-alala, hindi kita sinisisi sa mga nangyare sakin. Kasalanan ko to, oo. Last na yun pangako, hindi na kita guguluhin, wala ka ng maririnig sakin na reklamo.

Kusa na lang akong lalayo sayo. Ayoko na talaga, pagod na ako. Hindi mo man ako minahal, masaya ako dahil nakikilala kita. Paalam sayo aso, sa muling pagkikita.

depression

(sorry, this is not related to guys who broke our hearts. this is me, writing to you what i am going through as an individual)

as you may have seen my previous post, i wrote a sad poem. the contents of that poem is the summary of how my life has been for years. it was pretty tough actually and opening this on the internet is scary and at the same time wonderful.

no, i wasn’t writing this post because i need attention. it’s just that releasing all the negative thoughts in your brain may somehow help and i’m doing this because part of me wants the ‘help’ that i’m about to get after posting this.

i cannot legit say that i’m depress but that is what i am feeling right now. i cry a lot for stupid reasons and it wasn’t a good show. i am a victim of self-harm. it all started in high school, i was a teenager and family issues are hitting me at the face pretty hard. so instead of telling this to a professional and seek help, i turn to hurting myself.

but it really started when i was in sixth grade. and it was the year of emo kids and being a kid, i followed the trend and eventually resort to cutting my wrist with a mirror and spelling the word emo on my legs. i guess the emo phase triggered the person that i am right now.

and then things became serious in my family. i have to stay with my dad and his family. and man, it messed me up big time. have you ever felt like you’re in a circle of friends but you don’t actually belong? that’s how my life works. countless nights of crying because i miss my mom, it felt like i was an outcast. emotional pain was overflowing and i needed a way to not think of how my life is a huge mess. and that was the first time i felt that hurting myself is a good feeling and it actually makes me smile.

hurting myself was my last resort. even though i wasn’t sad and gloomy, i cut myself. it’s because i like the feeling, it makes me feel damn good, i have this sense of power towards myself. if some people are addicted to prohibited drugs, i was addicted to pain. i embrace it wholeheartedly, i was game for anything.

-sr

 

 

The One That Got Away

I have been on that page for so many years and I don’t know how to get out. Mahirap makawala sa isang bagay na gustong-gusto mong makamit. I was longing for a healthy and friendly relationship. Kahit friends lang okay na saakin. Kesa nama sa relationship na puro utos, puro kabastusan. Mas gugustuhin ko pang maging kaibigan nya, at least alam ko kung saan ako lulugar diba?

For three fucking years, umasa ako sa kanya. Evrytime na may slight hope, I was ready to open my doors for him. But I have realized that I wasn’t the girl he wants to be with. And I’m totally okay with that, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything, friendship lang talaga.

And then narealize ko na maybe, maybe pinagsisiksikan ko lang talaga sarili ko sa kanya. Maybe he doesn’t want to be involve with me. Maybe it’s time to come clean. Oo, hanggang ngayon hindi parin ako nakakamoveon sayo. Ang tanga-tanga ko para bigyan ka ng chance. Kahit tatlong taon na yung nakakalipas simula nung nagkakilala tayo, hindi ko na yata kayang makalimutan ka.

As I am writing this, madami akong narealize. Maraming pumasok sa isip ko na posibilidad kung bakit iba yung treatment nya saakin. Habang sinusulat ko to, kinikilabutan ako, nanlalamig dahil sa mga nalaman ko. Afterall, wala naman syang pake sakin bakit pa ako nagiging ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang sya muling pinapasok sa buhay ko. Mas lalong gumulo, mas lalong lumungkot.

-sr