GOODBYES SUCK SO BAD

Kamusta ka na? Alam mo bang gustong-gusto na kitang makita. Makita muli ang mga matatamis mong ngiti, ang boses mong nagpapakilig sakin. 

Nanumbalik ang lahat. Ang una nating pagkikita, ang buwan na nagpapaliwanag ng ating dinadaanan. Sa totoo lang, sabik akong muling mahagkan ka. Kahit alam kong muli mo lamang akong sasaktan. Okay lang, at least kahit sandali naramdaman ko na may ‘ako’ sa buhay mo.

Naghintay ako, hinintay kita. Binigyan ng pag-asa ang pusong sawi. Pero bakit ganon? Ano bang ginawa ko upang maramdaman to. Nagmahal lang naman ako. Minahal ko lang naman yung taong kahit anong gawin ko, hindi mapapasakin. 

Sakit noh? Nung nalaman kong wala na talaga akong pag-asa. Yung nanliit ka, nanlamig, nablanko. Mahirap pala talagang magmahal ng taong gago. 

Sabagay, ginusto ko naman to. Ako naman yung nagpabalik sayo. Wag kang mag-alala, hindi kita sinisisi sa mga nangyare sakin. Kasalanan ko to, oo. Last na yun pangako, hindi na kita guguluhin, wala ka ng maririnig sakin na reklamo.

Kusa na lang akong lalayo sayo. Ayoko na talaga, pagod na ako. Hindi mo man ako minahal, masaya ako dahil nakikilala kita. Paalam sayo aso, sa muling pagkikita.

depression

(sorry, this is not related to guys who broke our hearts. this is me, writing to you what i am going through as an individual)

as you may have seen my previous post, i wrote a sad poem. the contents of that poem is the summary of how my life has been for years. it was pretty tough actually and opening this on the internet is scary and at the same time wonderful.

no, i wasn’t writing this post because i need attention. it’s just that releasing all the negative thoughts in your brain may somehow help and i’m doing this because part of me wants the ‘help’ that i’m about to get after posting this.

i cannot legit say that i’m depress but that is what i am feeling right now. i cry a lot for stupid reasons and it wasn’t a good show. i am a victim of self-harm. it all started in high school, i was a teenager and family issues are hitting me at the face pretty hard. so instead of telling this to a professional and seek help, i turn to hurting myself.

but it really started when i was in sixth grade. and it was the year of emo kids and being a kid, i followed the trend and eventually resort to cutting my wrist with a mirror and spelling the word emo on my legs. i guess the emo phase triggered the person that i am right now.

and then things became serious in my family. i have to stay with my dad and his family. and man, it messed me up big time. have you ever felt like you’re in a circle of friends but you don’t actually belong? that’s how my life works. countless nights of crying because i miss my mom, it felt like i was an outcast. emotional pain was overflowing and i needed a way to not think of how my life is a huge mess. and that was the first time i felt that hurting myself is a good feeling and it actually makes me smile.

hurting myself was my last resort. even though i wasn’t sad and gloomy, i cut myself. it’s because i like the feeling, it makes me feel damn good, i have this sense of power towards myself. if some people are addicted to prohibited drugs, i was addicted to pain. i embrace it wholeheartedly, i was game for anything.

-sr

 

 

The One That Got Away

I have been on that page for so many years and I don’t know how to get out. Mahirap makawala sa isang bagay na gustong-gusto mong makamit. I was longing for a healthy and friendly relationship. Kahit friends lang okay na saakin. Kesa nama sa relationship na puro utos, puro kabastusan. Mas gugustuhin ko pang maging kaibigan nya, at least alam ko kung saan ako lulugar diba?

For three fucking years, umasa ako sa kanya. Evrytime na may slight hope, I was ready to open my doors for him. But I have realized that I wasn’t the girl he wants to be with. And I’m totally okay with that, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything, friendship lang talaga.

And then narealize ko na maybe, maybe pinagsisiksikan ko lang talaga sarili ko sa kanya. Maybe he doesn’t want to be involve with me. Maybe it’s time to come clean. Oo, hanggang ngayon hindi parin ako nakakamoveon sayo. Ang tanga-tanga ko para bigyan ka ng chance. Kahit tatlong taon na yung nakakalipas simula nung nagkakilala tayo, hindi ko na yata kayang makalimutan ka.

As I am writing this, madami akong narealize. Maraming pumasok sa isip ko na posibilidad kung bakit iba yung treatment nya saakin. Habang sinusulat ko to, kinikilabutan ako, nanlalamig dahil sa mga nalaman ko. Afterall, wala naman syang pake sakin bakit pa ako nagiging ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang sya muling pinapasok sa buhay ko. Mas lalong gumulo, mas lalong lumungkot.

-sr