(sorry, this is not related to guys who broke our hearts. this is me, writing to you what i am going through as an individual)
as you may have seen my previous post, i wrote a sad poem. the contents of that poem is the summary of how my life has been for years. it was pretty tough actually and opening this on the internet is scary and at the same time wonderful.
no, i wasn’t writing this post because i need attention. it’s just that releasing all the negative thoughts in your brain may somehow help and i’m doing this because part of me wants the ‘help’ that i’m about to get after posting this.
i cannot legit say that i’m depress but that is what i am feeling right now. i cry a lot for stupid reasons and it wasn’t a good show. i am a victim of self-harm. it all started in high school, i was a teenager and family issues are hitting me at the face pretty hard. so instead of telling this to a professional and seek help, i turn to hurting myself.
but it really started when i was in sixth grade. and it was the year of emo kids and being a kid, i followed the trend and eventually resort to cutting my wrist with a mirror and spelling the word emo on my legs. i guess the emo phase triggered the person that i am right now.
and then things became serious in my family. i have to stay with my dad and his family. and man, it messed me up big time. have you ever felt like you’re in a circle of friends but you don’t actually belong? that’s how my life works. countless nights of crying because i miss my mom, it felt like i was an outcast. emotional pain was overflowing and i needed a way to not think of how my life is a huge mess. and that was the first time i felt that hurting myself is a good feeling and it actually makes me smile.
hurting myself was my last resort. even though i wasn’t sad and gloomy, i cut myself. it’s because i like the feeling, it makes me feel damn good, i have this sense of power towards myself. if some people are addicted to prohibited drugs, i was addicted to pain. i embrace it wholeheartedly, i was game for anything.