Naguguluhan

Maybe nagtataka kayo if how could I be so heartbroken yet inlove at the same time?

May boyfriend ako, pero I’m still head over heels with this guy. Hindi ko alam yung reason kung bakit inabot ng taon yung “nararamdaman” ko para dun sa sinaktan ako. Maybe I was just longing for his companionship, his chillness and hugs. Hanggang ngayon, I’m still confused whether if I liked the guy or it was just an infatuation. But come to think of it, halos mag ilang taon ko na syang kilala. And i think this is not just an infatuation. Baka ayoko lang siguro isaksak sa sistema ko na there was a time that I fell in love with him, hindi ko lang maamin. I’m perfectly happy and contented with my boyfriend right now. Ideal sya eh, kaso there’s this thing na isang dahilan kung bakit hindi kami pwede para sa isa’t-isa. He is my everything, sya yung iniiyakan ko everytime, sya yung reason kung bakit masaya ako. Pero bakit ganon? Hindi ko parin kayang mawala yung other guy? Was it because of the memories we shared, or I just need closure, or I’m just blindly inlove with him?

Hirap guys sobra. May time naman na nakakalimutan ko si other guy, minsan I don’t even care if hindi nya ako ichat, and I wasn’t complaining that much anymore dahil busy sya (busy sa ibang babae psh) and hindi ako nagalit nung may nalaman ako.

We have this weird relationship. Sobrang weird kahit ako nandidiri na and sometimes gusto ko ng tigilan. Pero kasi eh, yun na lang yung bagay na nagiging way para magkaroon ako ng communication sa kanya. Desperada ba? Hindi naman siguro, sa totoo lang kahit friendship okay na. Pero who am I to demand?

Alam nyo guys, gusto ko na rin syang mawala sa sistema ko. He’s not healthy sabi nga nung best friend ko. Kasi everytime na lang na sya yung topic, I would go nuts. Ewan, ang frustrating lang masyado.

And I think, if I ask for friendship hindi nya rin mabibigay. Hindi naman kasi ako ideal na friend for him and I know, that he knows, that I still kinda have something going with him.

Di bale, time will come mawawala din sya. And I hope this time, it will be the end. Sana makahanap na sya ng stable na relationship with someone na mahal nya, yung tipong iiwasan na nya ako and he will block me on any platform ng social media. Right now, ayoko kasi yung ako ang gumagawa ng paraan para mawala sya. Sabi ko nga, go with the flow na lang ako. Bahala na diba? Baka in that way, magsawa sya at maisip nya na wala ng kwenta yung mga pinaguusapan namin.

Tapos magmomoveon na ko, tamang-tama baka matuloy yung Baguio trip this second week of feb.

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