depression

(sorry, this is not related to guys who broke our hearts. this is me, writing to you what i am going through as an individual)

as you may have seen my previous post, i wrote a sad poem. the contents of that poem is the summary of how my life has been for years. it was pretty tough actually and opening this on the internet is scary and at the same time wonderful.

no, i wasn’t writing this post because i need attention. it’s just that releasing all the negative thoughts in your brain may somehow help and i’m doing this because part of me wants the ‘help’ that i’m about to get after posting this.

i cannot legit say that i’m depress but that is what i am feeling right now. i cry a lot for stupid reasons and it wasn’t a good show. i am a victim of self-harm. it all started in high school, i was a teenager and family issues are hitting me at the face pretty hard. so instead of telling this to a professional and seek help, i turn to hurting myself.

but it really started when i was in sixth grade. and it was the year of emo kids and being a kid, i followed the trend and eventually resort to cutting my wrist with a mirror and spelling the word emo on my legs. i guess the emo phase triggered the person that i am right now.

and then things became serious in my family. i have to stay with my dad and his family. and man, it messed me up big time. have you ever felt like you’re in a circle of friends but you don’t actually belong? that’s how my life works. countless nights of crying because i miss my mom, it felt like i was an outcast. emotional pain was overflowing and i needed a way to not think of how my life is a huge mess. and that was the first time i felt that hurting myself is a good feeling and it actually makes me smile.

hurting myself was my last resort. even though i wasn’t sad and gloomy, i cut myself. it’s because i like the feeling, it makes me feel damn good, i have this sense of power towards myself. if some people are addicted to prohibited drugs, i was addicted to pain. i embrace it wholeheartedly, i was game for anything.

-sr

 

 

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death

there comes a time when you wish you’re dead.

it makes it easier to just kill the existence of your life.
to not be a burden, to not care and to not be sad.
death is what I wish for today, to see him face to face at last.

i can’t no longer face the day without a tear in my eye or a sadness hidden in my face.
i don’t want to think suicidal thoughts anymore and wishing that I can stop hurting myself.
i want to spare everybody’s life by greeting death.
so that the people i love will be free.

I’m sorry, i wish i was a better person.
a jolly, happy person.
that has a genuine smile forming on her lips.
I’m sorry if i was a trouble, a broken person, a fragile soul.
if only life has a reset button, i wouldn’t be here. contemplating the death of me.
I’m sorry if i cannot hold on.
if i cant no longer bear my shattered life.

and now, at the very end of me, i want to say thank you for staying by my side. this is, this is also the end of your sufferings. you are now enslaved from the responsibility of taking care of me.

so my last wish is that live your life to the fullest, expand your horizons and grasp every opportunity. no matter how hard life is, keep on fighting. don’t be like me, who gave up and ended her life.

-sr