depression

(sorry, this is not related to guys who broke our hearts. this is me, writing to you what i am going through as an individual)

as you may have seen my previous post, i wrote a sad poem. the contents of that poem is the summary of how my life has been for years. it was pretty tough actually and opening this on the internet is scary and at the same time wonderful.

no, i wasn’t writing this post because i need attention. it’s just that releasing all the negative thoughts in your brain may somehow help and i’m doing this because part of me wants the ‘help’ that i’m about to get after posting this.

i cannot legit say that i’m depress but that is what i am feeling right now. i cry a lot for stupid reasons and it wasn’t a good show. i am a victim of self-harm. it all started in high school, i was a teenager and family issues are hitting me at the face pretty hard. so instead of telling this to a professional and seek help, i turn to hurting myself.

but it really started when i was in sixth grade. and it was the year of emo kids and being a kid, i followed the trend and eventually resort to cutting my wrist with a mirror and spelling the word emo on my legs. i guess the emo phase triggered the person that i am right now.

and then things became serious in my family. i have to stay with my dad and his family. and man, it messed me up big time. have you ever felt like you’re in a circle of friends but you don’t actually belong? that’s how my life works. countless nights of crying because i miss my mom, it felt like i was an outcast. emotional pain was overflowing and i needed a way to not think of how my life is a huge mess. and that was the first time i felt that hurting myself is a good feeling and it actually makes me smile.

hurting myself was my last resort. even though i wasn’t sad and gloomy, i cut myself. it’s because i like the feeling, it makes me feel damn good, i have this sense of power towards myself. if some people are addicted to prohibited drugs, i was addicted to pain. i embrace it wholeheartedly, i was game for anything.

-sr

 

 

Advertisements

death

there comes a time when you wish you’re dead.

it makes it easier to just kill the existence of your life.
to not be a burden, to not care and to not be sad.
death is what I wish for today, to see him face to face at last.

i can’t no longer face the day without a tear in my eye or a sadness hidden in my face.
i don’t want to think suicidal thoughts anymore and wishing that I can stop hurting myself.
i want to spare everybody’s life by greeting death.
so that the people i love will be free.

I’m sorry, i wish i was a better person.
a jolly, happy person.
that has a genuine smile forming on her lips.
I’m sorry if i was a trouble, a broken person, a fragile soul.
if only life has a reset button, i wouldn’t be here. contemplating the death of me.
I’m sorry if i cannot hold on.
if i cant no longer bear my shattered life.

and now, at the very end of me, i want to say thank you for staying by my side. this is, this is also the end of your sufferings. you are now enslaved from the responsibility of taking care of me.

so my last wish is that live your life to the fullest, expand your horizons and grasp every opportunity. no matter how hard life is, keep on fighting. don’t be like me, who gave up and ended her life.

-sr

Pong

i

Sa mga taong lumipas,

Ilang beses ka bang di nasagi sa utak ko?

Wala.

Lagi kitang naiisip.

Bakit?

Dahil sobra akong nanghihinayang na ikaw ay pinakawalan pa.

Alam mo ba na noong meron pang tayo, walang araw na hindi ako masaya?

Na araw-araw kitang nagugustuhan?

Hanggang sa maging araw-araw na kitang minamahal.

ii

Sa mga panahong ikaw ay nakasama,

Kahit parang wala nang bukas kung ako ay tumawa,

Kahit sa sobrang panggigigil ko ikaw ay nasasaktan na,

Kurot dito, kagat doon.

Mga asar kong ayaw na ayaw mo, “Buang ka!” at “Feeler ka!”

Ang sagot mo pari’y, “Mahal kita! Mahal kita!”.

iii

Sa mga taong lumipas,

Ilang lalaki man ang dumaan, sumasagi pa rin sa isip ko

Ikaw at ang sarap ng pagmamahal na ipinadama mo.

Wala ni isa sa kanila ang nakapagpangiti, nakapagpakilig,

At nakapagpadama kung gaano kasarap ang magmahal.

Kahit mali, sa kanila ikaw ay aking hinahanap.

iv

Sa hindi inaasahang panahon, nagkakilala tayo.

Sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, ang muntik nang maging tayo tinapon at sinayang ko.

Kaya naman mula Legarda hanggang Recto,

Hinihiling ko na ikaw ay makabangga.

Hanggang ngayon ako pa rin ay umaasa

Na sana maibabalik pa ang pagkakataong nasayang na.

v

Mukhang hanggang dito nalang ang paglalakbay ko.

Sa kwento nating nagtapos na wala namang simula.

Sa tulang ito tuluyan kang papakawalan na.

Mula sa isip, diwa, at puso ko, paalam.

XOXO

Dito Muna Tayo

Nahihirapan ako isulat ka.

Hindi ko kaya, baka kasi makalimutan agad kita.

Kaya eto ako ngayon, hawak ay lapis at papel.

Nakatunganga sa himpapawid, nagiisip ng linyang mabubuo ngayong gabi.

Hindi ko masimulan ang istorya natin dahil ako ay nahihirapan.

Iniisip kung saan ba ako pwedeng magsimula, kung saang punto nga ba.

Baka kasi kapag natapos ko ito isulat, mawala ka kaagad sa aking sistema.

Kaya ayoko muna dahil masakit pa.

Sa tuwing nagsusulat ako ng tula o kwento,

Alam ko sa sarili ko na kakalimutan ko na yung tao.

Pero ngayon na nagbabakasakali akong magsulat,

Nahihirapan sapagkat ayoko pang tuldukan ang lahat.

Kaya hanggang dito na muna tayo,

Kung saan hindi muna ako gagawa ng kwento.

Lalasapin muna ang saya at sakit na dulot mo.

Dahil kapag winakasan ito, mawawala na pagmamahal ko sayo.

-sr

McDo

I

Alas kwatro pa lang ng umaga

Dugo ko ay buhay na buhay na.

Nasasabik na ikaw ay makita.

Nag-agahan ng tama lang,

Naligo ng sapat lang

At nag-ayos ng naaayon sa iyong mga mata lamang.

Doon sa McDo,

Ako ay iyong hinihintay.

Kape mo ay malamig na.

Sa hashbrown mo rin ay naka-isang kagat ka lang.

Kinakabahan, ako at ikaw.

II

Heto na.

Pagbaba ko ng tricycle,

Ikaw agad ang unang nasilayan.

Naka-puti ako, naka-itim ka.

Ni huy, ni hi ay wala, 

Sa iyong harapan ako ay umupo agad.

Nilasap bawat sandali

Na mga mata mong pakisap-kisap,

Mga ngiti kong nangingislap

At mga crew na naglilinis sa mesa.

III

Sa bawat tawa, isa’t isa ay kinikilala.

Nagkakahiyaan kaya naman mga tingin ay nagnanakawan.

Ngunit dumating na ang oras.

Sa sakayan ako ay iyong hinatid,

Sinamahan maghintay ng masasakyan.

Tawa pa dito, tawa pa doon.

IV

Heto na.

Paalam.

Ako ay aalis na at ikaw ay babalik na

Sa kung saan kahit anino ko ay di mo makikita.

Paalam na.

Nakakalungkot man pero ako ay masaya na ikaw ay nakilala.

Paalam na sa ating una at huling pagkikita.

V

Siya nga pala.

Mag-iingat ka.

Dear Friend,

The bell rang.

Everybody excitedly

Arranged their things.

We waited for the

Peeps to evaporate,

Til there was only us.


As we stand,

You took my hand.

Why I was not surprised?

I watched you

As you brought my

Hand to your lips.


My heart skipped a beat,

I was so kilig!!


But in my mind…

A smack from a friend

Yes, just a friend

For him

I’m just a friend

To me he’s more than

Just a friend.

Not a brother but

A lover.